It never occurred to me that it would be possible to move both forward and backwards at the same time, but it seems like that's what I'm doing right now, physically.
1) I haven't run in a while. This has been a conscious choice -- for both physical and emotional reasons. I'm still dealing with the same injuries that knocked me out of the half-marathon, and the one morning that I almost set out on a run (Sunday), The Boyfriend and I ended up grabbing coffee from the nearby bakery and going for a long, leisurely walk instead. Wouldn't have traded it for the world, but it was mildly disappointing as I have since lost my running mojo again.
2) Scary Trainer Liz is awesome, because she kept calling me at home and hounding the crap out of me to get back to the gym, get back into a class, etc. I HATED having to tell her that I didn't run the race, but appreciated her supportive and persistant attitude in regards to kicking my butt in the right way.
3) I got the flu, subsequently was out of work for 2 days and kind of knocked me out for a solid week (a few days before and a few days after).
4) The flu ended up providing a much needed BREAK from physical activitity... and once I felt normal again, it was much easier to get back with my program...
5) ...especially when I stepped on the scale on Sunday morning and nearly had a heart attack.6) Once Liz and I determined that post-work 6 PM classes just don't work for me (dog issues, working late issues, shoe-induced foot-pain issues, traffic issues), she allowed me to take the month of June off to get adjusted to my new work schedule, and then hounded me endlessly to get into a different TEAM class -- I had been doing Cardi02, which is definitely the most challenging of the TEAM classes, and my new options were TEAM Fitness and TEAM Weight Loss.
7) Hmmm, TEAM Weight Loss. Well, that sounds right up my alley (
an alley which seems to be growing wider by the day, to account for my ever-expanding ass -- hey, age 31, can I have my metabolism back please!?!?)8) Did I mention that TEAM is at 6 AM, MWF???
9) So I did it. I talked to The Boyfriend and said "Hey, I really need to do this -- for one thing, I've PAID for it already*, and secondly I do not like the way I feel lately, mentally or physically. I know myself well enough to know that I'm not going to work out after work, unless it's a light walk or on the treadmill / TV workout, and most days I just want to collapse after a day at work
(right now, I'm not getting home until about 7 PM, starving).And like a rubber band, as soon as I made the commitment, things snapped back into place. On Monday, I got up at 5:20 and made it to the gym by 6 AM, and then the office in time for my 8 AM staff meeting. I'd done a poor job of food prep over the way-too-busy-weekend, but made healthy choices for Monday's breakfast and lunch (yogurt, fruit salad, wheat toast; huge huge salad). After work, I ignored my growling tummy and went to the grocery store before even going home (knowing that as soon as I walked in the door, I wasn't leaving again). I was mindful of my hunger level, didn't cave to temptations, and I bought ingredients to make smoothies for breakfast all week, veggies for lunches, and a quickly planned out a few dinner menus. While I heated up dinner (chicken breast, snap peas, brown rice, all from the lovely Kowalskis deli counter), I prepped veggies and made a quinoa chicken salad to portion out for lunches. I packed 4 lunches, prepped Tuesday's dinner (Tilapia, & roasted brussel sprouts), watched some TV, and managed to actually muster up a conversation with The Boyfriend when he came over around 8 PM.
Today started off on a similar note -- up at 5:20, gym by 6, work by 9 AM, stopping home to shower and make a smoothie in between. I brought my lunch, a snack, and dinner is prepped and waiting to be cooked.
So, why is this backwards, you ask? Well, I've stepped WAY back in terms of the physical intensity of my workouts. Rather than running double-digit miles or double-digit inclines on the treadmill, I'm participating in less strenuous workouts. At the same time, this leaves me with enough energy to add in some strengh training / core work (currently in love with my BOSU trainer), and not feel so exahusted that I can't move at the end and beginning of everyday.
I've gone back to my routine of not only journaling, but PRE-journaling my food. It helps me to feel more in control, structured, and proactive about my nutrition. As somebody wise once said, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail -- that sentiment couldn't be more true when it comes to my eating habits. If I don't have a plan, I flail around aimlessly, waffling in a confusing sea of carbs vs protein vs good fats vs eat when hungry vs stop when full vs counting calories vs south beach diet vs weight watchers
vs ohmygodmybloodsugariscrashingletmeeatANYTHING.It's not pretty, I hate it, and it makes me feel like I've spent the past 5 years OVER-learning the food and diet industry.
About 25 lbs ago, when I got to a weight where I felt amazing -- comfortable, confident, and happy -- I commented that "
this is no longer about weight loss -- weight loss is simply the by-product now of living healthily." I loved feeling that way. In August of 2007, I went to LA for a friend's birthday party and started out that morning with a 12 mile run along the beach. When I look at pictures of that weekend, I am amazed by how thin I was -- without even realizing it. All I could focus on was that I wasn't at my goal yet, and wasn't going to make it there (another 7-13 lbs), by my projected date (marathon Sunday).
This is where the contradiction between backward and forward motion comes into play. I may have been physically healthier 2 years ago, but probably not mentally. I was in the tail-end of an unhappy, unhealthy, unsatisfying relationship that was going nowhere. I was taking Wellbutrin, which I'd started taking for purposes of controlling Seasonal Affect Disorder, but stayed on because I didn't want to alter things during my marathon training. I wasn't running TOWARDS my goals, but away from my problems. I used running as a coping mechanism - certainly healthier than food, booze, cigarettes, or shopping, but a mechanism nonetheless.
As I refocus and turn my goals back to weight loss -- this time, while striving to achieve a more balanced life, I mostly feel forward motion.
The scale is down 2 lbs.
I have slept well for the past few days.
I have had rewarding workouts that didn't leave me sore and drained.
I've socialized with friends and family, and enjoyed every second, sip, and bite of the experience.
Life goes on -- 25 lbs or no.
Off and balancing,**
~Jessica
*I knew that the way to get through to him was to explain that the money was SPENT -- no other justification for waking up at 5 AM three days a week!**Quite literally -- I'm sitting on a balance ball instead of my chair at work!
Posts
