So, I'm in Denver -- a place I've been a half dozen times before, but not for years.
The last time I was in Denver, I was here visiting one of my best friends (who later would be my maid of honor), with our other college friends.
The day before I left for that girls weekend, I attended a Weight Watchers meeting where I not only earned my 50 lbs lost magnet, but entered the enviable "Onederland" again for the first time in... I don't know how long.
It was a huge victory for me, and the only thing bigger than my pride was the smile on my face in all the pictures we took that weekend - pictures I didn't hide from or shrink away from or spend long moments positioning myself "just right" for.
If there's something you can set your clock by -- it's that when I'm feeling good about my body, you can't get me off the stage / away from the camera, and when I'm not, I pretty much make you feel like an asshole for trying to take my picture.
Sorry -- I know it isn't your fault, and i know it isn't nice, but it is true. It's not you -- it's me.
Lately the camera and mirrors and I have not been friends. Heck, exercise kinda feels like a foreign memory and I haven't written in this blog in ages -- at least, written anything worth reading. But today I had a flashback of sorts that sent me running back here, tail between my legs, but also aglow with commitment.
I'm traveling for work -- something I haven't done much of in the last 18 months, but something that was a way of life for me for about five years. And those were the five years in which I lost all the weight, kept it off, ran a marathon... changed my life.
A few things have dawned on me today, with lots of time to think in planes, trains, and automobiles -- and that's that weight loss / maintenance is just freaking hard. People. Seriously. You don't know. I'm not talking about 5 or 6 lbs, the normal fluctuations (hell, I can jump 6 lbs on the scale after a big dinner or a quick bout of the flu), but I'm talking about sustaining a significant lifestyle change.
Because when your lifestyle changes, you must change with it -- in my case, as soon as I went back to the office life, things went to hell in a handbasket.
Because - people. It is hard.
HARD!!!
People who have not gone through significant weight loss don't really understand that the minute somebody alters your routine, your schedule, your habit by one little millimeter, EVERYTHING falls apart. At least that is how it was for me.
And in the past 3 years -- I have:
Kicked and ex-bf out of my house.
Started a new relationship.
Started a new job.
Started another new job.
Sustained the relationship.
Gotten engaged.
Gotten married.
Gotten my house ready to sell, then rent.
Moved out of my house.
Moved into my husband's house.
Changed my name.
And now, spent the past month getting HIS house -- our home -- ready to sell.,
So basically I"ve changed my address, my job, and even my name.
And, sadly, my weight.
I'm not really sure where I'm going for this, except to say that I stepped on the scale this morning, early in the morning, like the "olden days." Before breakast or coffee or a shower. There's no room for the scale in our bathroom anymore so it hangs out in the creepy basement - and I haven't made it a routine yet to go down there every day. So today, I stepped. And I gasped. And then I thought "the reason you just did this today is to be MINDFUL while you're on the road."
And just like that, I snapped back into my old habits:
Took a shower; made a smoothie. Got some exercise. Caught my flight; made a healthy dinner choice - stuck to just one glass of wine -- chose to walk home after dinner instead of taking the trolley -- and better yet, instead of venturing out for drinks wtih my co-workers. We have many days together ahead of us, and many dinners and drinks in the next few days.
So I'm here -- both emotionally and physically -- in my PJ pants, ready to call it a night early, and get up with the sun to walk or run (hey, that rhymed). I haven't run since about September, and now I'm at elevation, so it will most likely be a walk not a run.
But I will do it. And I will drink water. And I will make healthy choices. And I will get this weight off again if it kills me.
Because if I don't, it will.
Off and running,
~Jessica
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3 comments:
Welcome back to CO. You should have good weather to get outside & enjoy some sunshine. And don't beat yourself up if the altitude gets to you.
Hey Jess. I too have struggled with my weight for years. A little over a year ago I decided to get moving again on losing. Its SOOO not easy. There are always so many things going on and to be honest, I like to have some cocktails on the weekend which then leads to unhealthy eating habits. But I refuse to let a weekend of fun ruin the rest of my life, I dust myself off, kick up the exercise and keep plugging along. I'm not dropping the big nubmers every week but I'm ok with this right now. You too will get everything figured out. Look how far you've come and how many positive things in your life that have happened. Now you have a loving husband who supports you at any weight also. Hang in there and keep plugging along! And welcome back to the blog! I love reading it.
What a great post! And have I been there? Ooooh, yes. Grateful to learn it's not just me. Your comment about loving the camera/hating the camera really hit home. I find that I enjoy outings more when I'm paying attention to the program. When I'm in "f*ck it" mode, I am sullen and annoyed, finding myself sneaking off for naps... I ruined a weekend with my nieces and nephew with that attitude a couple of years ago. Yet another reason to stay committed to this thing. Grateful to have found your blog.
Hugs - TEO
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