Well, I did it.
I sucked up all my courage, put my pride in my back pocket, and went back to Weight Watchers today over my lunch hour.
It was hard to step on that scale and see all the damage. I instantly went into defensive mode "oh, I know the program I've been doing this forever, I regained a lot of weight, blah blah blah."
The leader shut me down right away and said "No need to explain sweetheart, we're just glad you came back."
And then none of it mattered anymore. Believe me, I've been through every emotion possible about this over the past year or so -- frustration, sadness, anger, shame...
Shame is probably the biggest one. I swore to myself -- and everybody else -- that I'd never be one of "those people" who regained the weight. After all, I'd changed my life!
I've been defensive all over the place in my writing and my words. Fixated on the past rather than living in the present.
All of that changed today when I went back to weight watchers.
She zero'd out my account -- today was day one
She changed my name.
She looked at me and said "doesn't it feel GREAT to know that this is the heaviest you're going to be?"
There is no history, no past, no former-life-Jess.
Only today and tomorrow, and my focus is firmly on the future and making progress.
I've had a great couple of days -- morning workouts both days, healthy breakfasts, lunches, snacks and dinners. I've prepared every meal since Sunday. I've been journaling. I've met all the GHG's (Good Health Guidelines, for those not familiar with Weight Watchers). I've gotten to bed early and slept soundly; risen with the sun and been on the treadmill before 6 AM.
Tomorrow will be the same.
The kitchen is closed; my lunch is packed, coffee is prepped, and smoothie stuff is ready to go. I went out tonight to buy a new sports bra and a few pieces of workout clothing, which I have laid out on the guest room bed for tomorrow.
So here's what I've learned about myself throughout this part of my journey.
I do not have fast metabolism. I am prone to weight gain. I am somebody who will probably always have to work 10 times harder than most in order to maintain a healthy weight. I have to be very VERY careful about my food and drink choices, and be mindful to not sit around on my butt too much. Once again, I'm reminded that this is a LIFESTYLE change, not a diet.
Off and running,